YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
