This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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