Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
