I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
