just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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