so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Randomize
