i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
