Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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