My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
