That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
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