a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
