don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Congratulations! We have a period
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