first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
