if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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