Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
