I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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