fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
