shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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