theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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