I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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