you guys were way drunker than both of me
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
