bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
