We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
