His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
