Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
