i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
