On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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