im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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