you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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