I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
