Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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