I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
