Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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