y did u give ur computer a hand job?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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