i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
