I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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