"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
