At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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