Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
