dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
vagina is talking i cant
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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