he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
