I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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