I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
please come you make the beer taste better
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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