my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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