My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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