I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
smell my finger.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
