I wish you could order shots online.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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