Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize