Don't make out with my wife yet
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
