I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
