I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just pee around me
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Randomize
