be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Two words: nipple clamps
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