Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
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