Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
