best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
They took my balls.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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