the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
