You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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