I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
