There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
