Your dad touched me again.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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