in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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