Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
