There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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