My first STD was from a foam party
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
