Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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